I startled awake this morning
so here I am at 5
sloppy writing in the dark
got my phone light as a lamp.
I thought the doorbell rang.
Dog isn't barking
everyone else, still sleeping—
doorbell still ringing my brain.
Night before last
was a doozy—thoroughly gone
still awake but sweating
awake but dreaming:
The way my dad sat on the side of his bed
as he first woke up, every morning
elbows on knees, head hanging,
like he was still sleeping as he sat there—
But the room was nothing
all black—black bed—
empty space, void-like but solid—
I could walk around—I just didn't.
I could, but maybe I chose not to.
(There were bumps on my dad's forehead
near his hairline
—"That's where they cut the horns off,"
he'd joke*)
I don't hear his voice
his mouth doesn't move
as he asks,
"How're you doing, kiddo?"
I tell him I'm sick so he says,
"There's chicken soup in the freezer."
He's wearing his wool pj's
and his necklace, and his rings,
and his slippers
And there's the tattoo on his chest that
he told his girlfriends it stood for
Royal Reserve Liquor
but it was actually the initials
of his wife and daughters.
The Star of David he wore on the gold chain
pressed against his heart
worn alongside an
Indian Motorcycle pendant.
Anyway, he never looked up.
Just a vivid dream
—half memory
enough to wake me
pooled in my own sweat.
And it dawns on me, hours later,
he was remembered in this dream
at the same age I am now.
Shivering, aching, I had regressed into childhood
—"And if you don't want any soup,
have some pickle juice."*Jews were often depicted with horns in medieval art, so yes, he did frequently make this joke. Where do you think I get my sense of humour from?
Strub’s was his pickle brand of choice. Might have to seek some out. Pickles really do cure everything.
I guess I’ve just been missing my dad these past few months. Anyway, going back to coughing my lungs out, now.
Cheers.
My books:
The Highwayman Kennedy Thornwick [Amazon] [Kobo]
The Ghosts of Tieros Kol (preorder - ebooks for now, paperback upon release: March 4th) [Amazon] [Kobo]
Pull Me Under - serialized novel here on substack
I miss my father, too.